Not Your Mother’s Food Network
The Food Network’s new lineup takes advantage of their stable of celebrity chefs to launch a plethora of sitcoms and reality shows. The revenue-generating shows, void of any culinary value, would surely make Julia Child turn over in her grave, but hey, what did she know, after all, she was only on PBS.
“Trailer Park Eats” pairs TFN favorites Paula Deen and Rachael Ray as Patsy, a single mother down on her luck who’s life is turned around when her plucky daughter, Rayette, realizes her life-long goal of advancing from French fry girl at the local McDonald’s to head fry cook at The Greasy Spoon, allowing the pair to move into the double-wide of their dreams. Tragedy soon strikes when Lushie, the town trollop (Sandra Lee) seduces Rayette’s bad boy boyfriend, Spike (Guy Fieri) atop a tablescape made up of brightly colored tattoos and skater shorts.
“Hiding in the Hamptons” Bruce (Michael Chiarello) a successful purveyor of overpriced culinary products moves to The Hamptons under the alias of Brock, just Brock. While hiding from his wife, he gets in touch with his “feminine side” and finds himself befriended by doyenne of the Hampton Hags (Ina Garten). Before long “Brock” is torn between two lovers, Miquel and Stephen. Cameos by Dan Smith and Steve McDonagh.
“Nigella Speaks” The eloquently spoken Ms. Lawson hosts a show designed to educate the less articulate of TFN hosts in the intricacies of the English language. The first episode focuses on the redundancy of the phrase “reduce down”. Future episodes will include teaching Rachael Ray that just because she says something does not make it a word, an Eliza Doolittle –like transformation of Paula Deen’s grating drawl, and an intense season finale spent with Emeril Lagasse.
“Battle of the Network Nepotism” A competition geared at seeing just how many family members and friends one host is able to wrangle onto his or her show. Top contender, Paula Deen has managed to parlay her sons’ numerous appearances into getting them their own show. In addition, Ms. Deen has frequent, and some might add, disturbing, visits from her husband, Michael, who appears to be channeling Sebastian Cabot. Also in the running, Giada De Laurentii who has hosted her mother, pregnant sister, cousin, aunt, and of course, her husband, Todd. Todd sees the writing on the wall and realizes that it’s just a matter of time before his busty wife dumps him for Leonardo Dicaprio. Todd’s not worried, he has something in the works with K-Fed. Rachael Ray contends that she should be in contention due to the number of times she mentions family members: mom, Elsa, “my Cajun daddy”, sister who bakes, her little brother, grandpa Emmanuel, “sweetie” now husband, John, her mother-in-law, Vicki, and of course, her late dog, Boo. Things might get nasty if Paula Deen decides to argue that the animal menagerie that lurks in her kitchen be classified as “family’. Production could be delayed due to the inability to find a Food Network star who hasn’t trotted out each and every family member.
Culinary Ménage a Trois” The 70s sitcom “Three’s Company” has nothing on TFN’s wacky tale of three young chefs (Giada De Laurentii, Tyler Florence and Dave Lieberman) and their nosey super, Vince (Emeril Lagasse).
“Chip Gourmand, PI” Bobby Flay stars as the cocky title character in this edgy series that centers on Gourmand’s somewhat unethical investigations of culinary disasters. Ellie Krieger co-stars as his Girl Friday.
“What Not to Cook” Following TLC’s lead with their popular “What Not to Wear”, TFN casts their own Jewish Princess, Ina Garten, in the Stacy London role, and gets two Clinton Kelly’s for the price of one gay guy with the Hearty Boys. Unlike the premise of TLC show with a new “victim” each week, this reality show will alternate episodes with weekly raids on the kitchens of Rachael Ray and Sandra Lee. The hosts will focus on ridding Ray’s kitchen of all of her “stoups” and “sammies ”. The Lee episodes are scheduled to be intervention themed: taking away her Hobby Lobby credit card and emptying her liquor cabinet.
Log onto The Food Network website for more information and to purchase the network’s new calendar, “Kitchen Cleavage”.
